Also I had a mental health hypo-crisis but I'm doing better. Not okay, but better. I was reminded I have friends who care about me. That gave me the strength to get through this.
In the brief time I spent kind of losing it, I finally came to understand how my dietary habits work in relation to my mental state. I have maybe the dumbest, least glamorous kind of eating disorder you can have. I alternate between depression and anxiety, but I'm usually depressed. When I'm depressed, I overeat compulsively. When I'm anxious, I restrict, or purge if I'm like, right on the edge of the point of no return. Since I'm usually depressed, I'm fat. (Well, actually certain feelings about my dad also encourage me to overeat, but the main factor is the depression.) Since I'm fat, on the occasions I suffer from anxiety and thus restrict, I'm actually doing something better for my physical health than what I usually do, and knowing that encourages me to try to remain in that state for as long as I can bear, even though that state isn't healthy either, just less unhealthy (for someone with my body composition). Also, I have a lot of internalized fatphobia, so it's impossible for even a nutritionist to convince me this is actually a bad idea, which I know because they have tried.
Anyway, resurfacing memories about my dad cycled me back into anxiety, and by extension into restricting. The anxiety is a lot better for now, but the restricting is gonna stick around. It always does. Never for long enough, obviously. But I just can't help but hope against hope that this time it will be long-term. Of course, that mindset is a big part of why the restricting phase is always hard to let go of, and I'm probably just being fucking stupid. But it's worth a try. Is it? Is it worth a try? Is this even the right thing to try? It's obviously not, but I can't convince myself of that, so...