Way too much, every day.
Total: 840 calories.
Total: 460 calories.
Total: 500 cals
Total: 960
Sigh.
The problem is that if I feed myself properly, that will be a trigger to start overeating again, which, albeit better for my mental health, is worse for my physical health than doing things this way, because I'm fat. That's the real problem here, that coming back out of restriction is a trigger to overcorrect and return to the even less healthy status quo. If I'd just be throwing myself into the fire, I'd rather stay in the frying pan, if I can just hang in there and take the heat this time.
I hope there is not another food-sharing scenario in my future
I just feel like i'm not acting normal and I have to do something normal every now and then so he doesn't get too worried. He doesn't understand that this is the most physically healthy thing I'm psychologically able to do with my eating habits.
Or maybe i'm making excuses and i just fucking wanted ice cream. When I say that that's coming from a place of shame, of verbal self-injury, of "you fat fucking pig." But. that doesn't necessarily mean it's not true. I cant rule it out. I'm not good enough at introspection to be able to say for sure that wasnt an element. That's the thing about cognitive distortions like self-loathing. Even though i have enough self-empathy now to understand that's what it is and be willing not to trust it, that doesn't mean I can suddenly just see past it. It's still in the way of the truth. I may not be mistaking it for the truth anymore, but that just means I can't tell what the truth is at all.
Is that rice pilaf really only 230 calories per serving and 3 servings per package? It's been a couple hours since i had it and i feel sick and not in a hungry way, and the ice cream isn't even here yet.
Yeah thats what it says. 230 per serving, 3 servings per package. Double and triple checked. Directions said to add olive oil. I mustve added too much. I'm upping my estimate on that one to an even 300 calories.
ugh. i shouldnt have eaten that ice cream but once i got my hands on it there was no way i wasnt going to. now i feel sicker
ugggggggh
good morning. it's 6am and i feel godawful.
that's what happens when you're a disgusting pig who weighs 3 times as much as a normal person and yet you've eaten half as much as even they are supposed to for several days.
why does the healthier sickness have to make me feel sicker than the sicker sickness? it's not fair.
i've found it's easier to stay below target without getting sick when what i'm putting into my body isn't absolute garbage. i've got that rice, i have oats, and i think ihave some canned soup somewhere. i'll have to try to base my diet around things like that today.
my god could it be? the fat bitch who's incapable of healthy behaviors, and only knows how to overeat and occasionally restrict, is actually planning to do something healthy? gasp!
it's true. i'm a fraud. i've betrayed you all /s
i have a theory about restricting-primary versus eating-primary eating disorders. i think all body-focused bad relationships with food stem from hating yourself, but if hating yourself drives you to do the harder unhealthy thing, it's because you at least have a malicious voice inside you faking self-compassion to push you to keep slowly killing yourself even when it's hard (what some people personify as "ana" or "mia"), whereas if hating yourself drives you to do the easier unhealthy thing, it's because nothing in your heart resembles self-compassion in any way, not even a mockery of it, and you just hate yourself.
i don't mean to exclude or ostracize anyone out there who has an eating disorder but doesn't hate themself. i'm not sure there are any of you out there, but if there are, you're valid too, i'm not saying you surely don't exist, only that i've never seen you, and if i ever do see you i'll revise this theory accordingly. and no matter whether you hate yourself or not, if you have psychiatric problems of any kind then you deserve to get help.
anyway, which behavior is harder and which is easier depends on the individual person's metabolism. my body is the greedy kind, so for me, restricting is the harder self-destructive behavior. and my self-loathing is pure and raw—it doesn't try to trick me, only ruthlessly and directly insult me—so nothing inside me gives me willpower, and i'm only able to do the easier self-destructive behavior. that's why i'm fat. But i don't hate myself quite enough to make myself throw up everything i eat (only some of it) and that's why i'm fat, and not bulimic.
or at least, those were the reasons I was fat. see, at long last i've developed some measure of genuine self-compassion, that, despite being genuine, i think can mimic "ana" and encourage me to do the harder self-destructive behavior. but the difference is, that force within me isn't telling me to do that because it wants to kill me. quite the opposite. it just recognizes i still don't have enough self-compassion to not do any self-destructive eating behavior, so for my actual genuine benefit, if i'm constrained to only unhealthy behaviors, it wants me to pick the one that won't bring me closer to death. it may still be harm, but for someone in my condition, it's harm reduction.
that's why i'm optimistic that i can actually stick with the restricting this time.
Okay it's 11:00am now and I'm only just taking my meds and hrt. I'm supposed to take them at 10, but I went back to sleep after the nausea passed, and only just got back out of bed. My uncle has a physical therapist coming in half an hour. I can't be out there in the same room as them. I hate being around unfamiliar people. It's terrifying. It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. Like even though I'm not standing there naked in front of them I feel like I am for some reason. But I'm hungry as fuck and need that soup. I could go make it now while there's still time. But I need to take a shower. It would be triggering to eat before taking a shower. And I'm gonna be in the shower long enough to not have time, especially if I take my meds first, which I have to do because I'm already an hour late. Plus I shouldn't even be eating this early in the day. If I do then I'm going to eat again later in the day. If I do that then my daily intake will shoot back up into the quadruple digits. There's one very persuasive reason to go make soup right now versus a million reasons not to. I guess I won't.
Okay i couldn't control myself. For days now ive still had that bag of literally just straight fucking chocolate chips that i took to my desk all by itself like a total monster, like some kind of fucking gremlin, back when this particular restricting phase hadn't started yet. I've been sneaking little tiny pathetic nibbles of it. Not cheat nibbles. Been counting them of course. Obviously. And, I just finished it off. That's 200 cals. Don't fucking judge me "oo the stupid landwhale just eats whatever the fuck she wants and calls it 200 cals" I counted the fucking chips, I know what I'm doing, I'm not quite that stupid.
You know I guess I could have taken my meds, gone out there and made the soup and brought it back to my room, left it there, taken a shower, come back, and then eaten it. Oh well. Moot point now. I'm certainly not going to do that immediately after consuming 200 calories.
Alright. All clean. Clean as I'm ever going to get anyway. Can't wash away that after all. Never could. But relatively, I feel great!
I should try to do something productive today. For days now i've just been focusing on my mental health. Which is fine. i needed that. desperately. but it would be nice to be able to also feel like I'm doing something important. Why don't i feel like working on myself is important? Because i hate myself. Not even a question at this point, that's just a personal fact that I know very well now. It's not a good thing, but it's still a part of me and i still need to take care of it, and the healthy way of doing that is to get some external things done once in awhile. You know, like normal people do. You know, normal people, with lives. Remember having a life? Can you remember that?
My uncle offered to stop offering to share food with me. I hadn't told him the details but I did tell him I was on a one meal a day kind of thing. It was very thoughtful of him to offer to stop sharing. I've taken him up on that. So indeed probably no more food-sharing scenarios in my near future. Yay, small victory!
fuck i can't. i can't do anything productive, i'm too sick. the nausea is overpowering. i'm pretty sure i haven't even come down with anything, this is just what happens when i don't fucking stuff my face all day.
i've had bloodwork due for months now. I'm afraid my current behaviors might taint the results but didn't really know what to do with that fear. finally got it into my head i could just message my doctor and ask. So at least i've done that today.
Okay. It's 3:45pm. I'm about to make soup flavored with tomato sauce. I'm making it all at once because that makes the math easier, but I'm only going to have one cup. The soup is labelled 200 calories per can, 130 per cup. Which means there are 200/130 = 1&7/13 cups per can. I have three cans, which is 600 calories total. 1&7/13 * 3 = 3&21/13 = 4&8/13. The tomato sauce says 5 servings per container, 80 calories per serving, serving size 1/2 cup. So that's 5/2 = 2&1/2 cups, 400 calories. 400+600 = 1000, so in total I'm preparing 1000 calories of soup. 2&1/2 = 2&13/26. 4&8/13 = 4&16/26. So, 2&1/2 + 4&8/13 = 6&29/26 = 7&3/26. That's how many cups I'll make total. So I'm making 7&3/26 cups of soup which total 1000 calories. Ergo, there are 1000/(7&3/26) calories per cup, which is where it gets too complicated for me to do by hand. Ruby interpreter says that works out to 140.540-repeating calories per cup. I'll make the tracking easier by rounding that to the "nearest" 10 calories, but since I'm disgusting and always take more of anything than I need or than I intend to take, I'll round up even though down is closer, and say 1 "cup" (as in how much my fat ass is going to justify as a "cup") is 150 calories.
okay i had my soup and based only on how i feel i'm going to guess these drinking cups hold 2 cups,
ok I looked up some short drinking glasses on amazon. seems like they tend to be 12oz, which is 1&1/2 cup. I "had to" (decided to because i'm fat) fill the glass to the top because i ran out of tupperware to put enough of the rest of the soup in the fridge to only fill my glass to my estimate of what a cup is. (really wish i had a measuring cup) so actually I'm gonna say that was 250 calories, not 150. not that it even matters that much, either way i'll know i've had exactly 1000 calories several days from now when there's no soup left. and no I don't drink the damn soup, i'm just using a drinking glass for portion control.
i feel like i'm gonna puke
total: 750
If it's just 150 cals per actually accurately-measured cup (I'm not stupid, if I know the drinking glass is 12oz I know what 2/3 looks like as a fraction) then does it really even matter if I stay disciplined and don't eat in the morning? i mean shit that's less than the chocolate chips i was already sneaking anyway and am now out of.
sigh. not that it's even possible to measure accurately. considering the soup is heterogeneous. even if i had implements i'd have no way of knowing how many calories this specific cup of soup has versus that one of literally the same size.
doesn't feel good that it's 8am and i'm already eating. but it's literally 150 cals. like, chill.
should i try to get a food processor to homogenize my soup? no that's stupid. the texture would be... ugh. bleh. blerf. besides i can't afford that shit anyway.
i really need to sit down and do some budgeting. i pay to keep this website up, i pay for the domain name, i've got my car insurance, apparently medical bills now since my health insurance decided it no longer covers literally the periodic checkup that they ordered as a condition of continued eligibility, and i've got amazon prime... i should cancel amazon prime, imean granted i'm probably going to need it in a few years when i look and feel slightly better in my body and possibly need new clothes and grooming products but like i don't like needing amazon because i know it's a trashy piece of shit company. and i've got nintendo online, which i should also unsubscribe from because i don't even actually use my switch anymore and nintendo is also not a great company. annnd what else. phone bill. hormones obviously, that's a big one i almost forgot somehow. and groceries, and i think that's it? i mean no point listing them out now really. if i want to remind myself of everything i'm paying for, all i really need to do is check my bank statement.
nurse says it's fine to get my bloodwork done even though I'm restricting, it's just about making sure my levels are all in the clear. I probably can't do that today, other stuff going on. i'll do it tomorrow.
not trans bloodwork, to be clear. fatass bloodwork. my dietary habits shouldn't affect my t&e you wouldn't think, but they certainly will affect my blood sugar, blood lipids, and other metabolic measurements. trans bloodwork, welll. ahaha. lmao. no. if i can't afford to buy a damn food processor you think i can afford to just get whatever blood test i want whenever i need it with no referral? haha no
the nurse also said that it's concerning i'm doing this and we should make an appointment to look into getting me back into therapy. and i said fuck no lmao. i mean i said it a lot more respectfully than that, and with adequate explanation, but that was the gist. for one thing i'm not risking my insurance denying another office visit, i can't afford that shit. and the other problem is i've been in therapy my whole damn life and at this point i'm convinced it's done all it can for me.
okay the "other stuff" i had going on today went by faster than i thought. i think i will try to get my bloodwork done today. i'm really nervous about getting in my car. because that's just generally a strong fear i have, all the time. and even more nervous about getting back in my car after getting blood drawn while on <1000kcal/day for 5 days. but, if i chicken out now, this is never getting done.
to be as safe as possible—literally this is an issue of safety, not gluttony, i don't have to be ashamed of it, stop being fucking ashamed of yourself you dumb bitch!!!!—for safety, before going, i'm gonna have another cup of soup and then wait an hour. it's 11am, it's been 3 hours, it's fine. i genuinely don't even want it, i feel too sick for it, but i need to not pass out at the wheel on the way home and kill myself and possibly someone else in a car accident.
wait fuck. if i eat soup right now and then wait an hour and then leave then when i leave it will be 12 noon. and i'll have to drive on mission st. during everyone and their dog's lunch break.
you know what i'm just gonna do it tomorrow
dghsfdujmndgujhghg ok so my uncle and i have a tradition of getting pizza to celebrate when our electrical bill is low (shut up i knowww)
and. our electrical bill was low. and, predictably. he wants to get pizza on saturday (in 2 days) to celebrate.
as we already know, my ability to say no to food is already limited. it doesn't help that if i said no to this i'd feel like a total wet blanket? literally a once a month celebration. it's mildly important to him.
but it's cool. i have a plan.
i don't know how many calories are in one slice of the kind of pizza we usually get. but i do know there is no way one slice of pizza is over a thousand calories. and "under a thousand calories" is kind of the operative concept here. or, uh, so my stupid brain has arbitrarily decided, so long as it's in "restricting mode" this time around.
so. on saturday. i'll just. celebrate with him. and let myself have one slice of pizza. and nothing else for the day. and arbitrarily call it a thousand calories even.
grrrrr that's going to be hard though :( not limiting myself to one slice, i mean that's also going to be hard, but that's at least doable. but moreso only eating once that day and not being able to control what time it's at. pizza is heavy too, normal me in fat bitch mode wouldn't be bothered about that but restricting-mode me is gonna feel soooooo sick to her stomach after this :(((
I THOUGHT WE WERE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY MORE FOOD-SHARING SCENARIOS
why must the hand of fate torment me like this
on the plus side remember when it was 11am and i went "it's 11am i can have soup now" but then decided not to because the traffic would be bad and i would just do my bloodwork tomorrow?
well now it's 3pm and i still haven't eaten since 150cals of soup at 8.
i've also had tea (unsweetened, negligible caloric value) waiting for me for like, hours. whilstdve i... bedrotted. not proud of that but what are you gonna do, it's an entirely appropriate activity level for <1000kcal/day. certainly not any worse than doing the exact same thing out of depression while digesting enough calories to feed a family. i'm gonna take a shower and then go get my tea
fuck this didn't even dawn on me until just now but what if the pizza is too good and triggers me into going back to overeating and there are even going to be leftovers because i'm only having one slice so there will be shit right there for me to binge on FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
oh okay! okay!!!!!!!! hgreat!!!! this is fine!!!!!! because!!!!
thinking about this is making me spiral deeper into anxiety! and anxiety means restricting mode!!!!!!
so it'll be FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck. remember to breathe
....im gonna go take my stupid fucking shower
okay all "clean" now! haha!~
i can still only clean the outside!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~
sghfg anyway
my uncle wante dot talk about saturday
"do we wanna ge tupper crust or round table... smth to think about tomorrw" yeah i'm sure i'll be thinking a lot about it tomorrow and losing my fucking marbles over it thanks a lot buddy
i want to cry but the tears won't come. funny ever since starting hormones i usually have the opposite problem. i wonder if they're still working NOPE DON'T HAVE THE BANDWIDTH TO WORRY ABOUT THAT TOO RN
oh i have an idea! i'll do my blood draw on saturday so some of the calories leave my body!!
no that's stupid as fuck actually. i'm already going to be hungry having only a single slice of pizza all day. purging some of it via blood draw is going to make me even hungrier and that could interact negatively with the fact that we are going to have a fuckload of leftovers left oh god just kill me now.
okay. okay. i know what i'll do. hear me out.
if i binge i'll commit suicide.
we already know i'm too much of a coward to really do it. the contrapositive of "if i binge i'll commit suicide" is "if i won't commit suicide i don't binge." i won't commit suicide. therefore i don't binge. modus tollens. qed. it's foolproof.
he wants me to bring his prescription in from the mailbox. it's such a small thing that he genuinely needs help with and is completely valid in asking for and normally i wouldn't mind one bit but right now it is making me want to scream. i swear to god if i have to hear one more word about fucking pizza i might just kill myself anyway before we even get to saturday!
in any case there goes doing the blood draw tomorrow. haha. fuck no thats not happening. i'll be way too busy having a fucking day-long panic attack.
you know if i'd just tell him what's really going on he'd back off with the whole pizza thing. we could just cancel the whole date. "i'm sorry i'm being a little weird about pizza day, the thing is i'm having weird feelings about food right now and the prospect of pizza is causing me a lot of anxiety and it would be a huge load off my mind if we could just not." and that would be all it would take.
but! i can't do that! this ritual is kind of important to him!
it's fine! i'll just do whatever i can to spare everyone else's feelings! even when i'm really not okay! it's fine!!
oh my god it's not just pizza. everything has me on edge now. one of my onlien friends says he likes spinach on pizza. which admittedly not a great example. i'm also listening to a deltarune playthrough to try to calm me down adn they got to the point where kris and susie are at the diner and the existence of food in the game is pissing me off. and now they're at a part with toriel and they're doing a mom voice and that's pissing me off because i'm still not over losing my mom after seven fucking years!
ok i've still only had 150 cals today and that was 9 hours ago. maybe i'm just hangry. i f i ate something that might calm me down. but on the other hand. if i didn't. then . i could close off today at only 150. and i wouldn't calm down which would mean more restricting.
... i want to say, fuck it, it's gnna be a 150 day. but! lmao! not like i have any actual self-control! not like i can actually control what i eat or when or how much! so i guess we'll just fucking wait and see!
oh... a warmth is spreading through my body. it feels nice. that's probably a good sign, i think that happens when i don't eat so my body finally starts burning fat for fuel like it's fucking supposed to.
the warmth is making me sleepy. i feel calmer now...
... okay no matter hwo tempting it is i neee d to not just outright fast tomorrow. if i fast tomorrow and then get to have pizza the day after then that's going to be a binge trigger.
i also shouldn't eat, like, significantly less than i think the pizza will be. preferably i should eat more than i think the pizza will be. if i eat less then that will create a steady three-day upward trend, which could also be a trigger. you know, a trigger to continue the trend. which would be disastrous.
i know i said one slice of pizza is definitely under 1000 calories. and like, i also need to eat less than 1000 calories tomorrow. so for logging purposes the pizza will be 1000 calories. but for eating more than that tomorrow purposes i need a more conservative estimate of what the pizza is.
hmm... how much calories does one slice of pizza feel like?
wait no this whole train of thought is stupid. pizza is already going to make me feel sick, if i eat more tomorrow than what i think one slice of pizza is then i'm going to feel even sicker. and by a lot, if it's soup (due to the volumetric difference).
uggggh do i mix things up to make sure not to create an upward trend or do i stick to restricting and avoid making myself sick???? fuck i feel trapped, this whole scenario is just ruining fucking everything!!!
ah...? ther'es the warmth again
total: 150
It's now 8pm. I just spent the past half hour trying to validate myself as having an eating disorder and not just being a stupid fat cunt.
I looked at wikipedia pages for obesity, dieting, very low calorie diets, fasting, etc. Obesity does not count as an eating disorder, the page did not discuss or barely discussed comorbidity with mental health conditions, dieting is an effective treatment (duh), VLCDs are even more effective, and fasting is also effective, and all of these are recommended and have no adverse side effects or risks as long as the patient is obese. People who are underweight (duh), at a healthy weight, or even overweight are at risk of adverse side effects if they try fasting or VLCDs, but not obese people. There is absolutely no physiological justification for my physiological discomfort during my VLCD. It hasn't even been one week. The maximum recommended duration is twelve weeks. I'm just fucking weak, that's all.
I actually knew all this information already, because I've searched it before. I just felt like reviewing it. You know, to make myself more miserable for some fucking reason.
Then I looked at the page for binge eating disorder. I am diagnosed, but I keep doubting the diagnosis, just like I keep doubting every other way I ever suffer or ever have suffered, because I'm a stupid fool with a deficit of self-compassion. But in any case, it said something like 40% of people with binge eating disorder are obese, people who are extremely obese (which I think I qualify as) are disproportionately likely to be that way from binge eating disorder, and some other shit I don't remember. Anyway:
I found the diagnostic criteria elsewhere. Let's review them, shall we.
"Criterion 1: Recurrent episodes of binge eating." Yes, tentatively, but to be sure, let's continue. "An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following: a) Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances"—Yes. Definitely. You don't understand, when I'm in fat bitch mode, I pig out. It's fucking obscene. "b) The sense of a lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)"—Yes! Most of the time, yes! If I could resist it, why wouldn't I?
"Criterion 2: Binge-eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following: a) Eating much more rapidly than normal"—yes, well, for a healthy definition of "normal" anyway—"b) Eating until feeling uncomfortably full"—yes—"c) Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry"—at times, yes—"d) Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating"—yes, literally always, I am literally never not doing this and feeling this—"e) Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating"—yes, again, every time, invariably so. "Disgusting" is one of my go-to adjectives for myself, especially when I'm eating, but kind of just, all the fucking time???
"Criterion 3: Marked distress regarding binge eating is present." I have more suicidal thoughts than usual after a big meal, so I'm gonna say, yes.
"Criterion 4: The binge eating occurs, on average, at least 1 day a week for 3 months." Yes. I eat in the way described above most of the time. Never mind "1 day a week for 3 months." Try "most days of the week for most of my life."
"Criterion 5: The binge eating is not associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behavior (e.g., purging, fasting, excessive exercise)"—usually it isn't, no, although the present moment is a counterexample—"and does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa"—Haha! Hahaha! I fucking wish!!!
I'm not even going to apologize for that insensitive remark because I know damn well exactly what I just said. I'm very aware of the psychological mechanisms of anorexia and bulimia, as well as the physical complications, and I'm telling you, if it meant getting to be skinny, I'd much rather be even more fucked up in the head than I already am, and live a shorter and even more miserable life. I would gladly trade away what very little mental wellbeing I still hold within me to be a living stick with prominent ribs and shoulderblades and cheekbones and a modicum of pity from anyone around me and delusional-variant body dysmorphic disorder telling me I'm still fat when I'm not and a life expectancy of a few years at most and constant dizziness and weakness and nausea and self-harm tendencies and extreme self-loathing and still be a target of extremely vitriolic sizeism because underweight people are subject to that as well and it's not fair or right. Relative to what my body is right now and how I currently feel about it, yeah, sign me the fuck up for that shit. I'd kill for it. If you don't think it's possible to sincerely feel that way, clearly you don't know the kind of sick warped shit that goes through my head on a daily basis. I'll give you a hint, this food log, with all its plainly evident mental health imperfections, represents the best I'm ever able to feel, and the most saliently I'm ever able to think.
So yeah! I emphatically meet every single criterion and every single subcriterion.
"As with other eating disorders, binge eating is considered an 'expressive disorder'—a disorder that is an expression of deeper psychological problems." Well. At least half of why I binge is because of food addiction, but the other large minority of the reason is to indulge weight-focused revenge fantasies against my father who raped me. So yeah, I'd say so. "People who have binge eating disorder have been found to have higher weight bias internalization, which is characterized by low self-esteem, unhealthy eating patterns, and body dissatisfaction." Yes. All of these. I'm fucking incapable of eating in a way that doesn't abuse my body one way or another, I fucking hate myself, and I'm fucking disgusting. So yes.
"... indivdiuals who had binge eating disorder were more likely to have experienced physical abuse, perceived risk of physical abuse, stress, and body criticism." Yes, that would be the bullying all throughout my childhood. "Other risk factors may include childhood obesity"—yes—"critical comments about weight"—yes—"low self-esteem"—yes—"depression"—yes—"and physical or sexual abuse in childhood."
Well there you have it. I might be one of the most textbook possible cases of binge eating disorder you could ever have. By no means do I think I have the worst case in the world. My mental health is actually pretty good for someone whose mental health is extremely bad. But I feel confident in saying I have the most certain case in the world.
Would you believe, even though that was what I set out to convince myself of (again), figuring it out (again) actually hurt more than all the sources that told me there's nothing wrong with my mind and it's all just lifestyle choices. Seeing things that people think about fat people in general, without binge eating disorder, and mentally applying them to myself, was more of a death by a thousand cuts sort of thing, but rereading what binge eating disorder's whole deal is was more like an acute stab to the heart with a steak knife. The sheer accuracy of what I saw there, the way every word cut so deep, the way it was like looking into a mirror that I instantly hated and wanted to shatter. That shit hurt. I am mentally sick, that is why I'm like this, and my god do I wish I hadn't gone out of my way to prove it, because like, fuck. The denial crew came to clean it up. "No! None of this is true! I could eat less and actually feel okay about it if I just wanted it enough! I'm just weak! I'm just ignorant! I'm just noncompliant! I'm exactly the way everyone thinks all fat people are! That's all I am and this is all bullshit! It's not true! It's all lies! He didn't rape me! He wouldn't do that! Not him! Not to his own kid!! He loved me! I'm not tainted! I'm not damaged goods! I'm not even real! My life isn't real! The world isn't real! I should just die, die, die, die, die!!!" That shit mostly only happens when I go looking for the truth about myself and find out more than I wanted to know. Beating myself up with internalized sizeism just makes me feel like shit, it can't do much more than that. But reminding myself of what's really going on with me fucking broke me. I've been crying nonstop since. Like actual panicked uncontrollable sobbing. I don't think I'm going to have good dreams tonight. I kind of don't want to sleep so I don't have to find out.
For the record my intake for the day does remain at 150. Not that it even fucking matters. What's the point? I can lose all the weight I can force myself to lose, I'll never be cute, I'll never be pretty, I'll never be skinny, I'll never be a kid again, and I'll never be able to take my innocence back. I really should just die.
I'll be okay. I won't kill myself yet. I'll hold onto my stuffed bunny. She'll keep me safe.
sleeping turned out to be the right call, at least so far. no nightmares. no more suicidal thoughts. i'm actually kind of ok now.
i'm a believer again. that the bunny has my mom in it. she protected me just like i knew she would. just like she always has.
at least even if i hate myself somebunny in the world loves me. even if she's. technically not in the world anymore.
i'm gonna try to go back to sleep
can't sleep.
i have a... "self-abuse gallery." of artwork i use to brainwash myself into hating myself for being fat even more than i already do. i am ashamed to admit there is a strong sexual element to my motivation in doing so, but does it matter? self-abuse is self-abuse. masturbation isn't inherently self-abuse, in my opinion—though i know some people disagree—but if the result is that you hate yourself more than you did before, then yeah, that's self-abuse! plus i don't think it's really possible for me to have a healthy sexuality as long as i have dysphoria. or maybe ever for that matter. since, again. can't unrape myself! doesn't work that way!
anyway i'm not even turned on yet i kind of feel like looking at it. that's how you know it's something fucked up going on and not just a fetish! because sometimes i crave the brainwashing in and of itself! oh, please, nasty gallery full of my fatphobic drawings and stories, insult me some more! remind me why i deserve to die!
i'm not fatphobic toward anyone but myself you know. at least i try really hard not to be. do i have intrusive fatphobic thoughts about other people? yes. but unless they're about me, i don't give those thoughts the time of day. i know they're wrong, because i have empathy for the person i'm looking at. so i just tell those thoughts to fuck right off. and yet, when they are about me, i sit back and wordlessly let them completely destroy my mental health. go on then, thoughts. kick me while i'm down and sexually objectify me at the same time. see if i fucking care. i'm not sure i can care about anything anymore.
It's 7:45am. In 15 minutes I won't have eaten in 24 hours. And it's the fault of fucking pizza that I can't make it 48.
Other than that, I feel alright. On the inside, I feel sick as a dog. On the outside, my entire body is sore. But emotionally, I feel like a million bucks by the standards of the past several days.
... Tired of being so mentally ill that I see myself in like half the disorders I read about. I'm definitely not agoraphobic, because agoraphobia without panic disorder is supposed to be real but extremely rare, and I definitely don't have panic disorder. But I am undeniably afraid of leaving the house or getting in my car. I was reading about differential diagnoses and. God fucking dammit.
Avoidant personality disorder. "Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection." Yes. Always. "Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked." For fuck sak ei stopped using my journal space that i set aside in my online friend group to avoid bothering anyone too much in the main vent channel, i stopped using that journal space because my friends came there to show love and support and i don't want to bother them. I'm not even willing to get involved with me unless I'm certain of being liked to a completely unreasonable standard of certainty that's somehow not satisfied by someone literally telling me "you're a part of this community and we're going to love and support the shit out of you." "Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed." I don't have intimate relationships. But on the rare occasion I ever do, yes, it's like that. "Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations." Yes, always. "Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy." Hit the nail on the head. "Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others." Do I ever. "Is unusually reluctant to take personal risk or engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing." Absolutely. "Four of the seven specific symptoms should be present." Well that's all of them right there so. Yeah. "Millon's subtypes. Self-deserting avoidant. Including depressive features. Blocks or fragments self-awareness; discards painful images and memories; casts away untenable thoughts and impulses; possibly suicidal." Fucking—you can't keep calling me out like this. I have been called out so hard.
I'm sorry. How is it fucking possible that I have depression with features of anxiety, and binge eating disorder with restrictive features, and gender dysphoria, and ADD, and AvPD self-deserting subtype? Is one label not enough? I only have one brain don't I? I mean only three of those five are actually diagnosed but the gender dysphoria is blatantly obvious and the AvPD also seems pretty clear-cut. What the fuck is actually wrong with me? It's not five separate-ass things. It's one thing. So what the fuck is it?
"A clear example of the influence of different personality domains is found in this last subtype of avoidant patterns. Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations. Thus totally interiorized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. As this process proceeds, self-deserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing from without the drama of their frightening transformation." Stop! Stop it! Get the fuck away from me! Get out of my head! Get out of myhead! Stop looking at me!! Stop looking through me stop seeing me stop knowing me don't FUCKIGN touch me there!!! put that AWAY!!!
i'm. going to keep this here for posterity. but.
let's, never talk about this again, yeah?
... i think i get it now. it's the blind men and the elephant. a mental illness is not an entire ill mind. i can have depression and bed and gender dysphoria and add and avpd, in just the same way that an apple can be round and red and sweet and a fruit and grow from a tree.
so what am i? the allegorical parallel to the concept of "apple" here is missing. the vocabulary does not exist to describe cohesively what i am without appealing to individual traits. i'm me. that's it.
wish i weren't
i came fully clean to my uncle about what i'm doing. told him it's <1000cal/day and it's because I'm in restricting mode, not because I'm trying to lose weight. and i told him that even though it sounds scary, it's actually safe for someone my size and even medically recommended. and i told him that i intend to get whatever kind of pizza i want and then only have one slice and have that be it for the day, and that's how i intend to fit our celebration into my regimen. he knows everything now. his response sounded like he's okay with it. so that's a huge relief.
I wonder if the rest of the dev team for tfd wonders what the hell is going on with me. Two weeks ago i said i'd been MIA because i was working on a different project but it would be done last week. And i can't exactly tell them the delay of at least an additional week is due to a fucking mental breakdown.
it's almost 10:00. time to take my meds. but i feel like maybe i could get my bloodwork done today. and if i do, i want to do it before taking my meds, so estrogen doesn't get removed from my bloodstream. sorry meds. i'll have to take you late again
i got my bloodwork done. not without significant psychological difficulty. i got there and had an anxiety flareup in the waiting room (heavy breathing, on the verge of tears) just from fucking being there and then the nurse was like especially gentle and kind with me like i think she could tell there was something wrong and i felt unusually squeamish about getting my blood drawn and had to close my eyes really tight and at the end she said "i've scared you enough already" and m y dumb ass said "no no you're fine i'm just like this right now" you fucking idiot way to just spill the beans like that! and i had a panic attack in the car on the way home and continued to drive reasonably safely while literally sobbing and screaming "I HATE DRIVING! I HATE IT! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST DRIVE MYSELF OFF A CLIFF! SURE WOULD MAKE EVERYTHING A LOT EASIER!" (exact words)
i'm home now and back out of my jeans and shoes and into my comfy shorts and i've got tea that's been waiting for me since i left and i've got soup and toast and i need to take my meds. it's 11:30 now. i already had soup and toa st at 8 but i got my blood drawn so i need to be safe. then i'm going to relax and calm the fuck down and survive.
i wrote a poem. some of it was original, some of it was put together from other poems i'd written over the past several days. trying to organize the thoughts that are challenging me right now, in a way slightly less gruesome than their original form. i posted it on reddit. yeah i went back to reddit and made an account again, this time intending to build up enough karma to be able to post on r/mtf. what can i say, i need them, i need someone who i can ask certain kinds of questions. anyway, my poem got autofiltered :(
it's 8pm. went into the kitchen intending to get one last cup of soup for the day to tide me over so i can get through only eating one slice of pizza tomorrow and not having any control over what time. instead of just one cup of soup, i got one cup of soup, some milk, and two tortilla chips. by my current standards, this was a binge. binges in restricting mode are, you know, whatever. i feel pretty bad about them, as i always do about binges. pretty icky. lots of body-focused shame. but like. it's some milk and 2 tortilla chips, it's gonna be okay. not like when i actually binge and then pass out from eating too much. not like when i'm actually disgusting. instead of just feeling disgusting. well i mean. i'm always actually disgusting. but i mean in terms of behavior.
even so. i shouldn't have done that. i feel sick now
total: 850
today's the day.
i'm checking the menu in advance and... what am i a fuckin idiot? round table publishes nutritional info. it's even per slice. this whole crisis was for nothing.
smallest size says max 180 cals per slice. that doesn't really sound right. just based on how pizza feels to eat i'll call it 400 instead. might change my mind when i see the actual size. but if that's really how many calories they think it has then at least i know 1000 is way off.
point is i think i might actually have leeway to also have soup today. if i need to. we'll see whether i do or not.
wait shit my uncle said he wanted to do lunch and round table opens 4pm. we agreed on round table but upper crust opens earlier and i don't know if it's more important to him to do lunch or to do round table. if lunch is the operative concept here then he might say he wants to do upper crust instead. upper crust doesn't have nutritional info! fuck!
okay never mind he said if they open at 4 we'll do dinner instead. thank fucking god
it's 9:30 and i've now had 1 cup of soup. i'll try to have that be it until this evening.
12:00pm. i had some tea and took my meds at 11 and now i've just shaved my face. my long curly hair makes it infeasible to use shaving cream unless i'm also immediately going to take a shower, and i don't feel like it right now, so i shaved without shaving cream. bad idea, every time i do that i cut myself a little and it stings. but it's worth it to be smooth, despite the stinging i actually feel great. for once i looked in the mirror and didn't see someone completely hideous. maybe i'm already feminizing a little bit.
ok we had pizza. it was not a disaster. based on the size and how it felt to eat it i'm shooting a bit over the advertised 180 cals, but a bit under my a priori estimate of 400, and calling it 300. the smallest size is cut into quarters, so i'm only left with 3 slices as leftovers. overall went a lot better than i was worried it would.
it's 4:30am now so i'm filling this in retrospectively. i took a shower and had more tea and took my night-time meds roughly on-time. i told reddit i think i have avpd. and that was my night.
total: 450
good morning! i slept in until 9am and it's now 10 and i'm just getting out of bed. it's only 10am and i'm already having some soup. i'm inclined to cut myself some slack on it this time. i'm beginning to feel like maybe eating in the morning is not actually the worst thing in the world. i really hope this doesn't mean my "discipline" (read: anxiety) is slipping. but, well, my rationalization is, i did this yesterday too and was still able to stick to under 1000 cals for the day, maybe the timing of the first meal doesn't actually matter in terms of affecting my ability to hold out until evening after that.
it's now 2:45 and i'm realizing i forgot to mention that was the last of the soup. that was 7 servings, aiming for a cup each time, and i made about 7 cups total. so my measuring was pretty close actually.
it's 7:00. i've taken my evening meds. i took a 2 hour nap. i'd like to stop doing that. taking naps. i know i'm eating very little right now, but even so, it's not healthy. my laundry in the dryer should be finished. i'm gonna go get it out, take a shower, and have a slice of leftover pizza. it'll be another 450 cal day.
there was less introspection and whining in my food log today because i've been doing it on reddit instead
might not have a slice of pizza actually. it's 8pm now and i got my clothes out of the dryer but haven't showered yet. i feel sick to my stomach and don't really want to eat. i have some tea brewing so there's that. gonna stop procrastinating and go shower now
the tea is immediately (like 1 sip) making me feel a lot better. i think i may have been a little dehydrated. maybe a lot dehydrated. i was resisting the temptation to drink the shower water lmao
"but i said i wouldn't have the slice of pizza after all so if i do it now then it's a binge" girl just do it, 150 in one day and 450 in one day are both way under 1000. you could eat the whole rest of it and you'd still only be 50 calories over (do not do this)
didn't take much convincing. took my own advice and had a slice after all. did not have more than that. am i getting the hang of this, or am i wavering? only time will tell i guess.
regardless i would like to not eat at 9pm again any time soon. that can't be good for my sleep. or maybe it can, it's hard for me to sleep when i'm full but it's hard for me to sleep when i'm hungry too, and having a meal before bed on a VLCD specifically, hopefully puts me in just the right place between those.
sghouldn't hace done that
feel sick
.
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total: 450
9:30am. just had a slice of pizza. if 150 calories can last me all day then 300 calories should be able to last me all day even better. we'll see.
my after silence account was approved
7:00pm. took my meds, made some tea, currently icing it
it's almost midnight and i can't sleep. probably because i spent too much time in bed today already.
i'm going to eat again. hate that i'm doing it but the nausea is getting hard to bear. then i'll stay up, since my body insists on it, and let sleep come when it will
ok i ate the last leftover pizza slice. i'm justifying this to myself by saying, that was the last unhealthy food i had stocked up, which means i'll have to eat healthy foods tomorrow, which will make getting paid the day after less of a binge trigger. if i saved the last slice for tomorrow then i'd hit the day after while still running on unhealthy foods and then i'd surely splurge. which i hope doesn't just happen anyway.
total: 600
i had rice and apple sauce today
it's 7:45pm and i only just got out of bed and took my evening meds after napping in the middle of the day for god knows how long. my uncle texted me at 4pm and i didn't see it until i woke up so...
ugh... im gonna try to go out for a walk
went for a walk. listened to music. practiced counterbalancing with my hips instead of my shoulders (it's a trans thing) (i wasn't like full on swaying my hips, i feel like that would be misogynistic)
feel like i overexerted myself a little. really speaks to the extreme nature of what i'm doing here that i can take a 4 or so hour nap and then go out for a sub-1-hour walk and overexert myself
i'd like to try to take a shower before bed. wash off this sweat
It's 1:30am. It still feels like yesterday. I shouldn't eat right now but I really have to, the nausea is actually totally unbearable, my stomach is killing me. So I'm going to go have another serving of rice. I'm counting it under today instead of yesterday on a technicality.
Okay, now it's 7:45am. Those were maybe the worst hunger pains I've ever felt. Even after caving in and having rice, I stayed up until around 3:30 because of the pain. It's pathetic that someone as huge as I am can't endure a diet like this. I should be able to just live off my adipose alone.
I got paid. It's feeling like the binge trigger is too strong. I don't think I can cope with it.
I'm debating whether to give myself permission to have one cheat day for every time a binge trigger feels completely insurmountable. Here's how it would work. I don't have to count calories rigidly for that day, freeing me up to eat things whose calorie values I don't know, but I still have to estimate based on how they feel. Going by that estimate, I am allowed to go above 1000 for the day, but not above 2000. If I feel like I've gone above 2000, I have to work off the difference. I can't take cheat days consecutively. There has to be padding of at least two "normal" (rigidly-counted sub-1000) days between. And, as previously established, the penalty for total failure (defined as returning to a status quo of overeating) is suicide.
Grrrr. Hey guess what. People are going to be in the house today until 11:30am. I impulsively grabbed the last serving of rice so I could make it until then, even though I would have anyway.
Okay, so maybe it's a little more complicated than anxiety = restrict. I think maybe, even when I have anxiety, I'm still vulnerable to binging, if I feel like someone else is in control of what or when I'm allowed to eat. As with any eating disorder, I act on a felt need to exert control over my own eating habits because I feel like the rest of my life is out of my control. If I give up trying to control anything and just resign myself to feeling helpless, then I binge. If I feel empowered, and also don't have to fight anyone else for that control over my eating, then I restrict, because that's what controlling my eating looks like in that scenario. If I feel empowered but I do have to fight someone else for control over my eating, then I binge, because that's what control looks like in that scenario.
So, it's only 9am and I've already had 500 calories today. Don't love that.
I'm buying soup, bread, tea, frozen fruit, string cheese, and protein shakes. Trying to set myself up to stay in this restrictive phase and hopefully in a slightly healthier way than I've been doing it. If I can, I'm going to stick to under 1000 a day (at least after today) but I'm setting myself up to get a better variety of nutrients in that process. I'm also getting breakfast because the binge trigger is too strong. When I eat out, I usually binge. (I mean obviously not in the restaurant. I order a fuckton too much to go and then hide in shame while I'm waiting and then run off with it.) This is technically also that, but since I'm binging while restricting, it's less severe. To hopefully keep under 2000 for the day (assuming optimistically that this is the last thing I'm going to eat today) I'm ordering half of what I might normally order. I could have fit in all of it, if I weren't already 500 down. I won't actually be able to do all this until there aren't any more strangers in the house, so it'll be more like lunch.
Had breakfast/lunch. God i feel like a pig. i feel horrible about the way i wolfed it down. i'm disgusting. he was rigjht to rape me.
i have no idea how many calories that was, i'm counting it as 1200. it was only one food item and one drink, supposedly a normal meal that a normal person might get there, but, you know. you know how restaurant food is these days.
haven't met the official kill myself threshold for this diet plan but i find myself thinking about it anyway. not gonna do it though
fat nasty whore. if you can fit all that down your throat why don't you just go choke to death on daddy's cock. won't leave a pretty corpse but at least it can't be any more bloated than you are already you cow
i'm okay now. i expressed in vent art some of what i was feeling. the rest i pushed down deep inside. like i push down mass amounts of food. like i push down mass amounts of trauma. like i push down fucking everything else. out of sight out of mind lol </3
i really should go for another late-night walk. i got a windfall of protein today and probably still have time to put it to use. and i need to shave, and getting sweaty and needing a shower before bed will give me an excuse to shave, because my hair is so long and wild that it's impossible to apply shaving cream without getting it in my hair, which means every time i shave has to be right before a shower so i can get the shaving cream out of my hair.
on the other hand i feel sick to my stomach and my phone is low on juice
on the other other hand, a walk will probably help settle my stomach, even if the nausea does make it less appealing in the first place, and it's not like i'm going to be out there long.
i'll do it if i can make myself do it
did it, back home, haven't gotten in the shower yet. it's 1am and i've been sitting here in full-on panic about something stupid that's really not at all a "panic about this" kind of thing. transferring rape emotions into an unrelated context i'm pretty sure. possibly in danger of hurting myself. not that i wouldn't deserve it
total: 1700
i had a somatic flashback. i've had somatic flashbacks before but they've always been so mild i didn't even recognize them, i just thought they were weird spasms. "why did i just curl up and duck my head into my arms for a second there? weird, guess my body just did that for no reason. why did i just yell at someone to get away from me even though there was no one there? weird, guess my voice just did that for no reason." this time it lasted 2 hours and i was hyperventilating and whimpering the whole time. it wouldn't stop until i yelled at him to GET OFF OF ME, TAKE IT OUT, I DON'T WANT THIS!!! also i mentally age regressed
currently still a little shaken up. it's 10am. i had string cheese and applesauce. i don't like people seeing my skin, :(
i also tried one of my protein shakes. theyre good. i feel fat for having already had 620 cals at only 12:45pm but i clearly needed the protein, all i did last night was take a walk and im aching all over, ive really not been getting enough protein or calcium.
it's 7:00pm. i slept for 2 and a half hours from 1:30pm to 4pm. i woke up feeling unsafe and wishing i could go back to sleep forever. that would have been unwise because my sheets are in the wash right now and sleeping on a bare mattress is not a great idea. i had another string cheese and am going to try to have that be it for the day.
i told the tfd dev team what's going on with me. it was really hard. trying and failing to do that was what triggered the somatic flashback in the first place. but i did it.
i want a giant baggy parka whose sleeves and trunk are both too long. so i can wear it and shrink into it and hide. it feels really bad that i'm so tall and fat that no such thing exists in the world for someone like me.
8:30pm. made my bed. other laundry's in the dryer. feel sick. had a popsicle to try to soothe it. as long as i stick to 1 the calories are negligible, 13 per popsicle. not even worth logging.
i sketched the moment of the assault. i posted it in my creativity corner on after silence. now it's 11pm. my clothes are probably dry. i can shower and go to bed
total: 700
7am. making more soup. this time it's 13 cups at 180 cals per cup. i'm mixing 3 cans of southwest style, 3 cans of red bean & rice, a jar of tomato sauce, and a jar of tomato pesto. i feel fucking fat already just listing out the ingredients but i need to remind myself it's not like that, i'm only going to have 1 cup at a time. do all those things sound like too much all together? yes. is 180 calories too much? fuck no it's not.
factually though, i am still fat. probably still will be for a long time. probably always will be. i fucking hate myself
no. i need to not hate myself right now. i need to not say that, i need to not think that. i got really badly hurt yesterday and the same thing almost happened again this morning. i need to be gentle with myself right now. i need to stay calm. my inner child has just been raped again inside my mind, she's vulnerable right now, she needs my compassion, not my contempt. one wrong move and i could snuff out the last of her light once and for all.
little jaime. it's okay. don't cry. i'm sorry. i do hate myself, and that's not something i can alter right now. but i don't hate you. i love you. you are loved. you are safe now. the bad man is not coming back.